I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
