The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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