As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
