she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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