it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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