In America we eat man semen.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
tell me about the eggs
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize