I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
