Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
