Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
