Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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