so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
