They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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