My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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