she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
