Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
