you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
