You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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