She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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