i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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