if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
