john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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