She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
