Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
