piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
