Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
