Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
