grandma shit on top of the toilet
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
