Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Too much gin, very little bucket
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
