I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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