What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
