woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
