You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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