I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
