I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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