no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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