a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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