How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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