The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Enjoy the penises
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
