he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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