You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
