she was so not down for the gang bang
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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