Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
