I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
