I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
