You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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