Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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