Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
