Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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