Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
