At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
