i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
