Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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