Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
