Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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