So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
