I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
