Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
