im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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