I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
