my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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