I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
