Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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