I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
