When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He did a backflip because drugs
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
