Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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